It's okay, not to be okay

I thought I’d start up my blog again by posting something more personal because a lot of blogs are about the perfect recipe, outfit, or lifestyle and let’s be real no one’s life is completely perfect all the time.

This year has been a rough one for me and not only have I’ve been thrown through the wringer mentally it has definitely felt physical. We’ve all been there we lose a few friendships, we move, we break up, we start a new job, we lose a job, meet someone new, find new friends, go through hardships with family. I think when going through different situations this year I closed myself off and only thought about it one way. I’m always the person to just keep a smile on my face and try till I can’t try any more. It took me so long to come to the conclusion of the small fact that “I wasn’t Alright” not everything was working out and I was struggling. The first time I realized was probably early March when I would wake up in the night crying randomly and have to get my dog to calm me down. 

I think that when I first realized I wasn’t okay I was scared to let anyone know, because there is such a “downside” to being that girl who has a tad bit of “depression” and I didn’t want my family to think I wasn’t okay or worse I was thinking suicidal thoughts, because I wasn’t. I was thinking in my head that I wasn’t “alright” and I couldn’t keep it in anymore, I’m lucky to have the family I do and my ability to talk to my mom and tell her everything that was on my mind, making new friends, dealing with a long distance relationship, starting a new job and questioning if that’s what I wanted, started at a new school and not knowing if I would regret it.  My mom called what was going on mini panic attacks, which I have experienced, because in my Freshman year of college I was diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder. But these attack’s felt different, they attacked me all at once and not while I was awake but in my dreams. 

Once I admitted to my mom things got better, I finally accepted what had happened with people I lost, I learned that if love was there it would work, and I realized my field has so much to offer me. The next few months went by and life slowed down and I was back to being “alright.” It’s funny how at one moment everything seems alright and then you’re hit with a ton of bricks. Through everything I was so lucky to have my family, but I also had someone who I thought would never leave, who made me so happy and so genuinely excited about my future that if all I had was my family and him, I was okay. But what I started to do was do everything in my power not loose him, because I had once and I wouldn’t let myself again. I started to loose myself and fly here and there and put my life on hold to make him happy, but in the end I loss him anyways. 

3 months later and I will admit I’m still not Alright with everything that has happened this year, but admitting it was my first step to dealing with everything. I still haven’t moved on from my heart break but everyday I’m getting better and realizing I have so many people in my life besides the only person I thought I did has made everything better.

My anxiety for about 4 years now has made me feel in certain situations less than others, has made me believe everyone hates me, has had me second guess my feelings. After my heartbreak all those feelings came rushing back was it something I did? Was me not

Going back to school really why it ended? I blamed myself, and once I started to once again cry 10 days in a row and just feel down gravitating towards my family and best friend... hearing the usual “he can’t do better” and “he’ll realize what he’s loosing” little by little I realized its not my fault and again it’s okay that I’m not alright, but one day I will be and I think we’ve all been there. We’ve all at one point realized hey maybe I’m not in the right head space and maybe I should talk to someone.

Although the media these days say you don’t have to be perfect, you do, you go on Instagram and see influencers living this fabulous lives, buying beautiful clothes, going on free trips, eating amazing food, and purchasing extravagant purchases. When and still am going through learning and finding peace within myself I started to compare myself to these people, I started to wish I did things differently. But one thing I learned from that is mental health is so much more than psychwards and mental patients, it is such a huge umbrella. Portraying it that way makes it hard to admit to yourself and think something is wrong with you. I hope this helped some people struggling to admit they are not alright and I hope it encourages conversations and I am always here to talk even if I have not been what you’re going through I’m here to listen.

One day I will be alright, one day I will move on, one day I will figure out my future, one day I will meet someone who will fight for me, one day I will believe in myself. It’s not an if it’s a when.